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Thursday, 26. November 2009

Bring Me Home

By daiqianwen, 03:28
零下一度的空氣我感覺不到,卻能夠深刻地想像和描述,搜索靈魂深處任何一處的等待,至少天氣預報里疾風暴雪讓我有所行走。
思緒又回到去年這個時 候,也是南方出現的惡劣天氣,幾十年一遇的大雪,阻斷了無數歸鄉路。鐵道,高速、航空、海運……這些冰冷的物體,多麼讓人焦灼,又是如此之無奈。所經之 路,也是如此之坎坷。自然環境的惡化,阻擋不了人感情的意識存在。歸去兮,歸來兮,目的都只有一個,那就是圓滿。
這即將過去的一年,是否也要重複 歷史上的二零零八年,我又將在某個車站遇到似曾相識過的人,看著交警和公交車司機們的辛勤付出。人流來也匆匆,去也匆匆。在這個寒冷的冬天,誰的逡巡令我 不假思索,每一寸行走留下一串的印記,連攝影記者也記下瞬間的感動。一個玩具被遺棄在了空曠的草叢,是誰在倉促的行程中遺忘掉了它?一個靜止的物體,我看 出有它命運的存在。每個路程似乎不遠,這些動作和眼神,同那些有謎底性的歸去,我一樣的同路的信仰,讓人印象深刻。微妙下的單方面的天氣的探索和考察,使 我有種外出尋找自然之密碼的衝動,或跟踪大批大批的返鄉人進行深度的採訪,他們的故事和我的故事是一條路上的小說。
匆忙的背後光影的間隙,我們的 世界又多了一扇窗口,對於世界的感思沉澱在回憶陌路。寒冷的時候,走過的一條條熱鬧的大街,天氣的陰冷和行人的追逐稀少,我看不到炊煙經過的徬徨,樹的迷 茫像我的感傷流淌在冰冷的午夜。只是整天的烏雲將城市的天氣遮蓋,於是不見陽光的天氣倒讓人多了絲絲不安。
城市的溫度經過工業的加熱,只是整天的 熱氣沸騰。鄉村的印象,那些寒冷的只是表象,人情的交融,冬日里的烤火堆,成為一溫度的升降。有時需要告訴更多的朋友多穿衣裳,出門在外更是要一切注意。 我看到冷天裡的速度很緩慢,可是這只是我們的感官所想,某個世界段裡我們也會發現,冬日逐漸遠去或春天即將降臨。
此時的心情少了浮躁,與夏天的潮濕形成對比關係,安靜或沉默,我選擇安靜地閱讀和寫作。冷天的安靜超乎想像,作出冬天的讀書計劃,並非一時的心血來潮,僅僅是選擇了開始就不要結束。給自己更多的學習機會,在知識的海洋裡暢想,在冬天的雪地沉思和尋找方向。
尋覓,尋覓,都將是我的一個抉擇。
天 氣越來越冷,該回家的回家,留下來的繼續生活和尋找。尋找,是一個目的,或不是目的,只是給自己一個表現的形式。內容省略掉了時光的背影,倒影歲月和年輕 人的路。一個選擇和被選擇的變化,冬天不會給心情太多的雜亂和沈重,冬天的心情是輕飄的安靜的,有充分的時間來閱讀,在異鄉的思念,也將滋生孤獨的觸角。 寂寞的人在唱歌,像葉子那樣飄來飄去,一直不肯停息。記憶在昨日的列車上微寒。什麼時候,走過一條街,然後看下有沒有下雪,預報生活的感思和點滴。
收穫每一個心情,感動瞬間記錄的時刻,都會讓遠方有個回應。遠方,我們的期待不像雪,不見零下一度,卻是更溫暖地同時光周旋。
那些在路上艱難趕路的人,那些回不去的人,在路上在原地上,他們又將有著什麼樣的經歷,我想寫一段他們的故事,寫給這個冬季這裡的冷酷,寫給世間的溫暖之靈魂。
冷風吹,回歸靈魂,在路上的絮語,探索來時的路,預見隱約的未來。有些恍惚不知所措,稍不留意成了永久的眷念。不是羈絆,也會尋覓,該去何方?
所以我的印象裡,遠方是個美好的詞,是信仰和堅持。其實遠方就是歸途。即便那些人不知所向,路程暫時迷失在城市和鄉村的邊緣,回不去像思念如潮湧,任憑這風雪肆虐,總有些堅守如同磐石給我們以力量,讓我們有信心有毅力前進。
在路上,提起你的精神,體內的熱度如此亢奮,或將尋找或將選擇家的方向。時間緩放,空間光大,路上分出,光線和諧。於是遠方,請帶我們回家!

Wednesday, 02. September 2009

My Forever Lover

By daiqianwen, 10:31
今天,我這一頁的潔白為哥哥打開。

哥哥,我只想問你一講話,就一句,--“你有想過我嗎?”

既然你來了,為何又要匆匆離去,連個面也不見就恩斷緣盡,空留我悠悠無盡的思念,你難道是不想見我?抑或是有什麼使命在身,來不及見我?

你去後,難道從來就沒有想過我?有嗎?到底有嗎?我知道,你是從來不回答我的,我也就只是常常這樣問自己罷了。

哥哥,是不是水橋頭柳煙太濃,你尋不著夏的門扉?

哥哥,是不是河邊樹欄太縱橫,你潛不出來處的沼澤?

哥哥,是不是你孤獨而念我心切,你牽不著我的小手?

哥哥,是不是菱花中無橋無船,你泅不到芳香的彼岸?

初夏一日,哥哥溺於殘河斷脈的一片菱花之中。又第二年的初夏一日,我穿越千萬里的光陰,急急來看哥哥,唯看見一河潔白的菱花,她們依然微笑。我想 一定有一朵是有淚的,哥哥是被禁錮在了花族之中,我看不見他,他你能看見我的,我們只是隔了一道符,觸手可及但無法飛越,唯各自岸邊望對岸,相思二茫茫。 我想,萬物的身影之中,有多少是造物主戲弄的筆觸,在無數花草萬物裡,不知圈住了多少哥哥這樣張翅欲飛的身姿,我不禁心生哀鳴,哥哥啊,我如何才能讓你掙 脫禁錮,飛離河面?

然而,“想念”只是二個活生生人之間相互的安慰和體貼,你可以從對方的眉目表情、言談用詞中體會到,總是面對面的,實實在在的一樁人情。若是一陰 一陽,像“人鬼情未了”,且還要遠隔多年,何如?在我長大的空氣裡,聽不到哥哥喚我的聲音;在家門前的路上,望不見哥哥歸家的身影;最主要的是,哥哥看不 到我不斷的長大,而哥哥卻一直停在那個蹣跚起步的孩子,那一朵初開的菱花。

我們之間已經沒有對話,沒有思念的呼應,連這個“之間”的詞都談不上,怎麼個“想”法?如若真的有那另一個時空,各自也有所思,也是隔了岸的無 奈,更痛。哥哥若看見我在人間的路上黑夜獨行,他也只能眼看看,見我摔倒痛哭叫哥,他也唯心痛而無法近身來攙扶一下。我若在暴風雨的時候,想起還是孩子的 哥哥獨臥於冰冷,無大樹屋簷藏身,怎不叫我心碎,但心碎也只能心碎,我連替哥哥撐把小傘這樣的小事也無法去做,做不了呀,還是不要去想了,免得哥哥不能安 息。

哥哥,小時候有一場哭讓我清晰記了幾十年,你應當也是聽見了的,今天想來感覺還要哭。我站在寒冷裡,哭啊哭,後來就是嚎啕的哭,狠狠地喊,是想要 叫回哥哥,是想要讓哥哥聽見來抱我。因為哥哥走時我還沒有機會哭,之所以這個哭記了那麼多年,那是失去哥哥保護的哭,是恨哥哥的拋棄。鄰家的小男孩欺負了 我,我想是人家看見我沒有哥哥的呵護,我是有哥哥的呀,可是有了又沒有了,老天啊,如此小小的呵護你也要剝奪我,我能不哭?那次,我幾乎把一輩子的淚水哭 光了,後來就很少哭了,知道要不讓哥哥難過。

你走了,一句走了,總感覺你是遠行去了哪裡,那裡只是交通和通信無法和這里相容罷了。

你走了,另一個哥哥來了,從上海來的,上海和我們通的。不,應該是你-我的哥哥回來了,否則你怎麼也是吃我姆媽的奶,也和哥哥一天生日,否則,鄰 家阿婆怎麼講我長得像你。因為老天是安排我有哥哥的,還因為後來的歲月裡你也總是在夏天裡來陪我看菱花。所以,我確信,哥哥回來了。我拉著哥哥去那個鄰 家,男孩送了我一個洋娃娃,表示了臣服,我一直認為那個洋娃娃,是我有哥哥庇護的見證。在自己有了女兒的歲月裡,我也喜歡給女兒買洋娃娃,喜歡讓女兒叫男 性朋友為舅舅,也是一種心證。

有了哥哥,我開始肆無忌憚,我也用肆無忌憚來證明哥哥的存在,總是找出一些麻煩事來讓哥哥收場,哥哥也似乎理所應當。哥哥喜歡在河邊水里嬉戲,說 上海水少,我常常發呆,水少不好嗎?看見哥哥整天不起來,掏魚摸蝦,我疑惑哥哥在水里真的會開心?心裡是願意開心的。我坐在水橋上,看著哥哥是真的開心 時,心裡也有了些許的安慰。

我不知道,世界上真的會沒有永遠那種不離不棄的庇護?是無論你如何也不會失去的愛護,是可以守候我一生的寬闊而結實的屋簷。

這個哥哥他屬於大海,他終究遊回去了,留在我記憶裡的是,哥哥夜裡的故事、哥哥搖籃樣的背、哥哥溫暖的懷抱、哥哥水邊的笑聲、哥哥有力的大手(只 是大的感覺)和哥哥最後的一句話,“別哭鼻子了,哥又不是死去,只是回上海去,會回來看小欣的。”我似懂非懂,那個哥去了遙遠地,他回不來看小欣,不是他 不想,這個哥,會回來的。可是,過去了幾十年,你沒有回來看過我,死和心的遠行有時是一樣的。

在我生命裡,曾有一夢讓我肯定哥哥是放不下我的。也是多少年前了,一天,我不慎也落入哥哥那河的中央,慌亂間搞不清自己是如何回到了岸邊的,總 之,當人們看見我時,我就一個人坐在岸邊哭喊哥哥,我是怎麼回到岸上的,我也不知道,我就是回來了。當夜,我迷惑間,看見哥哥的影像來了,不說話,就是拼 命地向我伸手,我會意,終於拉住了哥哥,可那是一雙冰冷的手,是我今生握過的,最冰冷的手,那冰冷讓我驚覺醒來,看見自己的手放在床沿上,一半下垂在床沿 外,那冰冷的感覺刺痛了我好多年的心。

我希望和哥哥樣的男子有一個家,是一種永遠不可分割的愛,我能四腳朝天的肆意,無論我變得多老,無論我變得多醜,無論我經歷了什麼磨難,回來,你 的屋簷都是我永遠的盔甲。當你款款走來,拉我手時,我心裡溢出了柔軟,那手和我長得好像啊,只是大小的區別,我們舉起手,二隻左手,再二隻右手,左右翻 看。我殷殷地說,寧願你是我哥,我就死命拽住,不放棄,你也不能拋棄我,我要老天來前定下的那個愛約,你是嗎?

滄海桑田,我在人世尋尋覓覓,你那不老的,寬厚如山脈樣的愛,像哥哥一樣的不老,是如出一胎的另一個自己,就像我們曾經的伊甸園。

又是哥哥的忌日,墓地很安靜,突然想,過了那麼多的忌日,就像我過了那麼多的生日一樣,彼岸的哥哥到底是大還是小啊?我想想哥哥也會長大,也一定好帥,娶了個什麼樣的嫂子呢,像小欣嗎?哥哥會不會像我想像的山脈樣的壯實?

哥哥,你會抽煙嗎?我點上一支煙,就插在燃過的香柱上,看煙升,如春蠶吐絲,裊裊上升散去,卻是不斷,像極了我們的念念相續。墓碑上刻著哥哥的名 字,唯和我差了一點點,用手指慢慢描過去,想那差的一點點,摸過去的動作比哥哥的生命還長。如若還能有來世,哥哥,我還想和你手牽手一起去找我們的父母。

我不知該如何稱呼你了,哥哥,你是我一生那個遺世而獨立的愛人,永遠。

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Monday, 16. June 2008

The Character of Willow

By daiqianwen, 07:01
Related blog: musicblog.fr

The willow is a kind of character.
 
While remembering putting on the new military uniform and planning to go to South Sinkiang that year, an affectionate young girl once sang for me like this: "   In face of the spring breeze in the bank of the river, roll over a willow in hometown; Wishing you to study that willow to take root on the line of frontier, I will blow on your mind like the spring breeze. " That word, that melody, is special and beautiful and moving, and the more beautiful and more moving one is that willow, covered with the river valley of my memory continuously and densely, float with wind out the fragrance of the earth of homeland. " I keep watch more than ten years on China and border of Yue State in young girl's song. Uninteresting and long years, the dainty and charming homeland willow like dainty and charming homeland young girl and young girl like making me think fondly of the willow v  ery much. Perhaps it is exactly that this kind is thought fondly of, exactly that the young girl's feelings and character of the willow have strengthened the will that I defend and defend the territory of one's country in the boundary, make jade green military uniform can wrap up in, live in youthful time companions like the willow this just, magnificent time afford to have neither enmity nor repentance most life, blue sky to incorporate motherland beautiful to lay the peaceful rosy dawn day.
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Homeland elders are used to plant willow at the Beginning of spring. To the Spring Festival, the huge numbers of families, everybody plants the willow, around the house, busy everyday. If residence have place plant willow yet, people invest sight in road both sides, pool side by the pool bank lake slope, either plant or insert, or or have no intention intentionally, in a word so long as there are places that can utilize, someone will plant the willow. That it is one that have utility habit of purpose at all, for impose willow and impose willow, nobody go, care about willow ownership right become a useful person, totally, so the willow of the homeland belongs to spring in homeland forever. When the swallow comes, clump clump cluster, such as pursuing to draw, countless ties, doubt that dyes doubting to weave, how many refined tastes are added for the house, depict the limitless scene for the homeland.

The willow is preferred by people, get and become the hugest, most conspicuous xylophyta family in the homeland, no doubt relate to people's traditional habit, but the predominant one still lies in its one's own tough and tensile and dogged vitality.

The most valuable character of the willow, accumulate in the natural instinct that it makes the best of things to take root deeply. No matter high hillock depression, fertile and barren, too no matter varieties of trees, letter withy that hand pull down and break off that pick newly, or survive the winter to always do, so long as not dried sedulously, so long as give it water and earth, it can radiate vigour and suffused with green purpose out quickly. And no matter grow into forest in flakes or grow only alone long, can all reciprocate out the very gentle and climing and climing and touching deep love.

The willow has indestructible dogged wills. If it is in flood season, and you go to the edge of the Changjiang River to experience it intentionally, will certainly greatly admire angrily and indignantly for the hero of the willow. Homeland people love the willow, the willow loves the homeland too, the vast and mighty, turbid wave of flood wave is emptied on that river surface, make the popularity fill in for it, the spirit is taken for it. But have you gone to see? Have you seen? That is not charming green Yang, that is a great song of a life, and an immense and magnificent epic! The osiery has no look of fear completely in the face of brutality and disaster, they have not shrunk back, they are unwilling to shrink back, because theirs is embankment or the rural area behind one's back to plant people that the willow loves the willow. Every year when the flood crest is had, the willow lays the single-line battle array, fine slim and fragile quality and astonished wave for days on end tear hitting pestering, let cover injure leaf fall piece broken to do, roll over, partial to the embankment with one absolute sincerity and lofty or bottomless lofty sentiments tightly. Extremely worried people witness the figure that willows are brave on the embankment, unyielding fighting will and lofty spirit dared to dedicate oneself to move, year after year, generation upon generation of, protecting it of love cherished to its Jean. Then I remember we great nationality, remember through the ages countless to pacify difficult to make the country prosperous warrior martyr that meet one's death like a hero, have remembered six, educated urban youth working in the countryside in the seventies, have remembered eight, clan of working as a temporary labourer of the 1990s, have remembered too that spreads all over overseas Chinese from all parts of the world. We belong to nowadays hugest and most illustrious nationality in the world, do not just stand erect in the national forest of the world according to the existence adaptive capacity and spirit of hard struggle like the character, willow like the willow?

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